Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
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When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
The Weeknd is back
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but