her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
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coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]