feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
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Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
S M O L
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.