In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
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Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*