it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
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FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I am crying
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!