“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
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i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.