Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
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If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
#growingpains
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.