Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
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In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes