… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
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My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Real House Wines.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose