[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
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I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”