Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
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Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.