[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
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I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
#FunnyLife Insects
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.