catch me on valentine’s day like
You Might Also Like
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
uncle dave has been through hell
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!