6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
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I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Sounds like a bargain
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.