I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
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Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Worth the read.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it