interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
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Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.