When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
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When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.