I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
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Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
😅🤣😂
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
How do you milk an almond?
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this