Not today
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Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.