this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
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When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Morning.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*