me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
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Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Pickled cat.
I mean…but I did
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks