ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
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Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
waiting for halloween be like:
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
White parent Vs Arab parents
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.