I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
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One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.