Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
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my sentiments exactly
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
crochet youtube is brutal
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’