A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
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You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
You learn something every day
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda