I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
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Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you