My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
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Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Breaking news:
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof