“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
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I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
new year update: losing everything but weight
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.