That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
You Might Also Like
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…