Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
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Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?