[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
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One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
and now we wait
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Cheer up.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY