Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
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How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Love is in the air fryer.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”