It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
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I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.