My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
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Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no