[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
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My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
water it, i dare you
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
incredible
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent