As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
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My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
When you have to marry your mother-in-law