All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
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I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I’m listening
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Teach your children to beatbox
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.