Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
You Might Also Like
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.