Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
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[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
three things we don’t talk about
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.