Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
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Warm pools make me nervous.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.