Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
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Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though