*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
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Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”