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[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
If snakes were wide
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here