Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
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Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.