Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
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You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
thanksgiving in nutshell
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*