Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
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Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Kids, do not try this at home!
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.