me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
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Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.