Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
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G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.