Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
You Might Also Like
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I am having an out of money experience.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.