I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
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“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything